Movie/TV Reviews

Van Helsing

Susan Granger’s review of “Van Helsing” (Universal Pictures)

Being an avid Hugh Jackman fan and devotee of Dracula legend, I was so looking forward to this supernatural saga of the fables 19th-century vampire hunter. But it’s a disappointment. Gabriel Van Helsing (Hugh Jackman) is a man-on-a-mission, determined to rid the world of its most evil, nightmarish creatures. Working through a clandestine Catholic connection, he’s off to slay Count Dracula (Richard Roxburgh), along with Dracula’s jealous, bloodthirsty brides. But in Transylvania, he’s not the only vampire hunter. There’s intrepid, corset-clad Anna Valerious (sexy Kate Beckinsale), plus Frankenstein’s Monster, the Wolf Man, even Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde. Best known for his “Mummy” films, writer/director Stephen Sommers primarily concentrates on the stylishly visual action sequences and – to his credit – the photography, atmospheric Prague locales and stunts (primarily wire-work) are eye-candy, particularly when Dracula walks up a pillar and across the ceiling, while his brides are hanging upside down. For comic relief, there’s Friar Carl (David Wenman), Igor (Kevin J. O’Connor) and Dracula’s tiny CGI gremlins. But the characters and clichŽ Gothic creatures, culled from Universal Studios’ archives, lack substance, complexity, even originality, although, eventually, one discovers that enigmatic Van Helsing has something in common with the monsters he’s killing, personal issues. Saying more than that would reveal too much. On the Granger Movie Gauge of 1 to 10, “Van Helsing” is a fast-paced, flashy, fiendish 5. To capitalize on this campy creature-feature, on May 11th, there’s a new, animated, half-hour, direct-to-video prequel, “Van Helsing: The London Assignment.” But – bottom line – Hugh Jackman deserves better, even if this becomes another franchise.

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Mean Girls

Movie/TV Reviews / Susan

Susan Granger’s review of “Mean Girls” (Paramount Pictures)

While I didn’t grow up home-schooled by zoologist parents in Africa like Cady Heron (Lindsay Lohan), I did attend a small, private school until the 10th grade when I transferred to Beverly Hills High School. So as Cady learns to cope with the cliques, crushes and cattiness that characterize today’s teen years, I could relate to the angst depicted in this totally cool chick flick. For naive Cady, suburban West Shore High School is an exotic, terrifying place, particularly if you’ve never faced bitchy teenage beasts before. Which is why, at first, she is flattered when a trio of most awesome girls, known as the Plastics, invite her to have lunch, much to the chagrin of two outcasts, a Goth punk (Lizzy Caplan) and gay guy (Daniel Franzese), who warn her about them. Within the Plastics, blonde, beautiful Regina George (Rachel McAdams) reigns supreme, disdainfully dictating to her moronic acolytes, insecure Gretchen (Lacey Chabert) and dim Karen (Amanda Seyfried), who obey her every hostile dictum, including cautioning Cady against dating Regina’s hunky ex (Jonathan Bennett) and joining the nerdy Mathletes. Inevitably, Cady is drawn into their malicious power struggle until she realizes that popularity status just isn’t worth it. Adapted by “Saturday Night Live” writer Tina Fey (who plays Cady’s math teacher/mentor Ms. Norbury) from Rosalind Weisman’s “Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Boyfriends and Other Realities of Adolescence,” the story delineates the quirky hierarchy and challenging subculture of the teen world. Having delved into this genre before with Lohan in “Freaky Friday,” director Mark S. Waters mines it for its most droll, nasty nuggets. On the Granger Movie Gauge of 1 to 10, “Mean Girls” is a refreshing, astute 8. It all rings true!

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uper Size Me

Movie/TV Reviews / Susan

Susan Granger’s review: “Super Size Me” (Roadside Attractions/Samuel Goldwyn Films)

I’m not sure if anything will cure me of a fast-food addiction when I’m in a hurry, but this darkly comic, persuasive documentary certainly made me vow to stick to sensibly smaller portions of the unhealthy, highly processed, high-fat foods. Morgan Spurlock is a healthy, amiable West Virginian who now lives in New York with his vegan girlfriend. Horrified by the obesity epidemic that plagues the United States, he decided to go on an all-McDonald’s Super Sized diet for breakfast, lunch and dinner for 30 days to prove that fast-food is bad for your health. In addition, he opted not to exercise. His travels took him to 20 cities, including the site of McDonald’s first store in California. Along the way, he interviews junk-food addicts. And you’ll be horrified by what goes into making a Chicken McNugget. Consuming pancakes and sausages in the morning and Double Quarter Pounder combo meals late at night, he gained over 25 pounds and experienced mood swings, loss of libido, high cholesterol and blood-sugar levels, plus severe liver damage. His internist, Dr. Daryl Isaacs, compared the all-Mac diet to Nicolas Cage’s terminal alcoholic binge in “Leaving Las Vegas.” Less heavy-handed and confrontational than Michael Moore (“Roger & Me”), Spurlock adopts Moore’s irreverently humorous, easy-going style of agitprop film-making, delving into pervasive advertising, school lunch programs and corporate responsibility, noting, “My experiment may have been a little extreme, but not that crazy. Some people eat (McDonald’s) every day.” That cues Queen’s “Fat Bottomed Girls,” along with amusing animation. On the Granger Movie Gauge of 1 to 10, “Super Size Me” is a hilarious yet horrifying 9. Size matters.

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Troy

Movie/TV Reviews / Susan

Susan Granger’s review of “Troy” (Warner Bros.)

Inspired by Homer’s “The Iliad,” this truncated version begins in ancient Greece with Paris (Orlando Bloom), a young Trojan prince, enjoying an adulterous affair with Helen, Queen of Sparta (Diane Kruger). Sailing home, he recklessly totes her along, ignoring his elder brother Hector’s (Eric Bana) warning: “You’d let Troy burn for this woman.” Helen’s cuckolded husband Menelaus (Brendan Gleeson) enlists his power-hungry brother, King Agamemnon (Brian Cox), who views an invasion of Troy as an opportunity to control the Aegean. Joining them are wise Odysseus (Sean Bean) and the great warrior Achilles (Brad Pitt). And so the Trojan War begins. While director Wolfgang Petersen and photographer Roger Pratt stage spectacular, brutal battle sequences, screenwriter David Benioff sticks with clichŽ themes of honor and dishonor within brotherly relationships: Paris and Hector, Menelaus and Agamemnon, Achilles and his cousin Patroclus. Problem is: They’ve discarded the psychological influence of the Greek gods, a dubious move since the tragic tale revolves around fate and destiny. As a result, Hector emerges as the only credible, sympathetic hero. Paris is an insipid weakling and petulant Achilles is just out for immortal glory, prophesying, “They’ll be talking about this war for a thousand years.” Brad Pitt prances and preens with his buffed body-builder’s physique, in contrast to Eric Bana’s more subtle nobility. Yet it’s dignified Peter O’Toole, as Troy’s aged King Priam, who claims the most tragic, memorable dramatic moments: watching his city under siege and begging Achilles for his son’s body. On the Granger Movie Gauge of 1 to 10, “Troy” is an uneven, underwhelming 7. It has the sword-and-sandals historical scope of “Gladiator” – but not the heart.

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Bobby Jones: Stroke of Genius

Movie/TV Reviews / Susan

Susan Granger’s review of “Bobby Jones: Stroke of Genius” (Film Foundry)

Most recently seen as Jesus in Mel Gibson’s highly controversial “The Passion of the Christ,” actor Jim Caviezel moves into more tranquil territory playing legendary golfer Bobby Jones. More suitable for TV’s Biography channel or an inspirational Movie-of-the-Week than a theatrical release, the uplifting story chronicles how Jones won 13 major titles, including the Grand Slam of Golf – the U.S. Amateur, the U.S. Open, the British Amateur and the British Open – in 1930, before retiring at the age of 28. Jones is introduced as a sickly six year-old (played by Devon Gearhart) whose gift for the game allowed him to compete in national tournaments as a teenager (played by Thomas Lewis), the “Dixie Whiz Kid.” Reaching manhood, Jones (played by Jim Caviezel), earnestly earned a law degree but, primarily, marketed the Bobby Jones image. Problem is: neither Caviezel nor co-writer/director Rowdy Herrington (“Road House”) delve beneath the surface to illuminate the subject. Obviously, Bobby Jones must have been a highly motivated perfectionist, an amateur athlete who coped not only with physical and emotional pain but also an explosive temper. But, as shown here, he remains a dour enigma – and not even a very interesting one – since his aloof, sullen character never undergoes an emotional catharsis. In supporting roles, Claire Forlani plays Jones’ long-suffering wife, Jeremy Northam is his flamboyant friend and rival Walter Hagen, while Malcolm McDowell is his traveling companion and fawning biographer, Atlanta sports-writer O.B. Keeler. On the Granger Movie Gauge of 1 to 10, “Bobby Jones: Stoke of Genius” is a stolid, sluggish 3. While Bobby Jones was known as “the best golfer in the world,” this leisurely episodic, uneven biopic veers too far off the course.

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Shrek 2

Movie/TV Reviews / Susan

Susan Granger’s review of “Shrek 2” (DreamWorks)

‘Back to Once Upon a Time as the dazzling sequel begins where the big, green ogre left off. When Shrek (Mike Myers) and Princess Fiona (Cameron Diaz) return to the swamp from their blissful honeymoon, they discover two surprises. Donkey (Eddie Murphy) has moved back into their hovel and Fiona’s parents, the King (John Cleese) and Queen (Julie Andrews) of Far Far Away, want to meet their new son-in-law and host a wedding celebration. “Trust me, it’s a bad idea,” Shrek astutely warns, but soon they’re off – with Donkey, whining: “Are we there yet?” Unable to hide their shock and disappointment, the King and Queen offer a less-than-warm welcome to the newlyweds. Terrified by threats of reprisal from Fiona’s furious Fairy Godmother (Jennifer Saunders), who wanted Fiona to marry her son, Prince Charming (Rupert Everett), the King hires an assassin, the notorious Puss In Boots (Antonio Banderas), to eliminate the “ogre problem.” So lovable Shrek has his hands full, trying not only to survive but to keep Fiona’s love, particularly when he’s told, “Ogres don’t live happily ever after.” Prepare for many cool surprises. Writer/director Andrew Adamson and creative cohorts embellish the fairy-tale parody with satirical homages to classic movies. Guillaume Aretos’ production design and Harry Gregson-Williams’ music are top-notch. Lampooning his Zorro-persona, Antonio Banderas is hilarious, as are Larry King and Joan Rivers in cameos. On the Granger Movie Gauge of 1 to 10, “Shrek 2” is a raucously funny, deliciously irreverent 10. My only reservation is that I may have missed some sight gags, deft puns and sly innuendoes, so I’ve got to see it again. I predict this family-friendly comedy will outdraw, outperform and outlast all the competition this summer. The ogre rules!

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Stateside

Movie/TV Reviews / Susan

Susan Granger’s review of “Stateside” (Samuel Goldwyn Films)

Based on a true story by Connecticut writer/director Reverge Anselmo and filmed at his family’s palatial estate in Greenwich, this wannabe romantic comedy wallows in the reckless abuse of the privileges of wealth as two desperately rebellious teenagers fall in love. Set in the early ’80s, the story begins as a spoiled rich kid, Mark Deloach (Jonathan Tucker), releases his teenage angst by drinking, driving and crashing his sports car, leaving a promiscuous classmate Sue (Agnes Bruckner) minus her front teeth and his parish priest (Ed Begley Jr.) paralyzed. Mark avoids prison by joining the Marine Corps in a deal arranged by his father (Joe Mantegna), while Sue’s angry mother (Carrie Fisher) ships her off to a mental hospital, where she befriends Dori (Rachael Leigh Cook), a disturbed actress/musician. While on leave from Parris Island basic training, Mark falls for Dori, helping her escape from care at a halfway house. Mental illness within a romantic relationship is the central theme, but Reverge Anselmo never develops a dramatic arc for this self-absorbed, unsympathetic couple. In “A Beautiful Mind,” the onset of the hero’s intensifying symptoms were an integral part of the character study; here, Dory’s schizophrenia is immediately apparent. While the title refers to military slang for the loved ones left back home, Mark’s military service in Beirut, Lebanon – a potentially interesting period – is reduced to stock action shots and voice-overs. The dialogue is prosaic: Mark’s drill sergeant (Val Kilmer) bellows: “You are here because you could not be trained to become men by the mothers of America.” And the erratic editing is awkward. On the Granger Movie Gauge of 1 to 10, “Stateside” flounders in with a flimsy 4. It’s an unsatisfying cinematic interlude.

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New York Minute

Movie/TV Reviews / Susan

Susan Granger’s review of “New York Minute” (Warner Bros.)

While you may not have heard of the Olsen twins, millions of prepubescent girls, collectively called tweens, follow their every move. They’ve have been in the limelight since they were nine months-old, appearing as wide-eyed, adorable Michele Tanner, on TV’s “Full-House.” Basically, the perky, precocious Olsens grew up on-camera. When that show went off the air, they did “Two of a Kind,” plus 14 direct-to-video “Mary-Kate and Ashley Adventures,” building a billion-dollar business empire. Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are not identical twins but they look very much alike and to celebrate their 18th birthday on June 13th, they’ve made their first movie. In this zany action-comedy, they play sisters, Jane and Roxanne Ryan from Long Island, who travel to Manhattan, where brainy Jane (Ashley) is to deliver a speech at Columbia University to qualify for a prestige scholarship at Oxford in England. Meanwhile, rebellious Roxy (Mary-Kate) wants to sneak backstage at an underground music video shoot to slip her demo tape to the band. Writers Emily Fox, Adam Cooper and Bill Collage and director Dennie Gordon have them pursued by a truant officer (Eugene Levy) along with a DVD-pirate (Andy Richter), who wants a microchip the twins don’t even know they have. They attract a Senator’s son (Jared Padalecki) and a bicycle messenger (Riley Smith), along with cameos from Jack Osbourne and Bab Saget. Totally lacking either the charm or wit of “30 Going on 30” and “Mean Girls,” the zany, episodic madcap mayhem is obviously a vanity production by their company, Dualstar. On the Granger Movie Gauge of 1 to 10, “New York Minute” is a frantic 4. As Ashley whines while slogging with Mary-Kate through a sewer: “There is no bright side!”

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Envy

Movie/TV Reviews / Susan

Susan Granger’s review of “Envy” (DreamWorks)

Surprisingly, DreamWorks CEO Jeffrey Katzenberg has publicly apologized for this new lackluster comedy. Introducing clips from the upcoming animated “Shark Tale” at the Cannes Film Festival last week, Katzenberg declared, “I apologize profusely for ‘Envy.'” This bizarre fable about coveting your neighbor’s wealth revolves around crazy inventor Nick Vanderpark (Jack Black), who comes up with a spray called “The Vapoorizer” that dissolves dog feces. He offers his friend, neighbor, carpool buddy and co-worker, Tim Dingman (Ben Stiller), an opportunity to invest in this miraculous discovery, but Tim refuses, only to be constantly derided for that fateful decision by his jealous wife (Rachel Weisz), who witnesses the pile of material possessions being accumulated across-the-street as Nick becomes a multi-millionaire. Then along comes a demonic drifter (Christopher Walken) who takes everyone for a ride. Obviously attempting to poach on the Farrelly Brothers territory, director Barry Levinson pushes Steve Adams’ feeble screenplay over the top, highlighted by Mark Mothersbaugh’s strange satirical musical commentary, sung by Dan Navarro. Comic actors Jack Black (“School of Rock”) and Ben Stiller (“Meet the Parents”) deserve better or, at least, to be coached into giving parallel performances. Each seems to be acting in a different film. The most inventive touches appear in the tasteless, nouveau riche ostentation adorning the elaborate Vanderpark McMansion, like a dazzling carousel and an indoor bowling alley, adjoining the dining-room. On the Granger Movie Gauge of 1 to 10, “Envy” barely scores a desperately zany, faltering 3. You know how bad a comedy be when you come out whistling the scenery. Apology accepted.

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Raising Helen

Movie/TV Reviews / Susan

Susan Granger’s review of “Raising Helen” (Touchstone Pictures)

Can a saucy, carefree Manhattan yuppie chick really find happiness as a substitute mom to her sister’s three orphaned kids in New Jersey? That’s the dilemma faced by Helen Harris (Kate Hudson), the ambitious assistant to the owner (Helen Mirren) of a trendy modeling agency. When Helen’s sister and brother-in-law (Felicity Huffman, Sean O’Bryan) – the “perfect Pottery Barn couple” – die in an automobile accident, no one is more surprised than Helen that she’s been designated as the children’s guardian – unless it’s her other older sister (Joan Cusack), a suburban supermom who is pregnant with her third child. Gamely, Helen tries the best she can but soon realizes that she’s not only lost her sister but also her job, her social life and her sanity. Enter the local Lutheran pastor (portly John Corbett), proclaiming, “I’m a sexy man of God.” Which means Helen is soon trying to balance a career and motherhood with a persistent suitor. Veteran director Garry Marshall (“Runaway Bride,” “Pretty Woman”) teams up with writers Jack Amiel and Michael Begler to find that predictable silver lining behind every cloud that hovers over Helen, perhaps a bit too quickly and too easily to build much dramatic tension. Perky Kate Hudson (“Almost Famous”) retains an irresistible effervescence that’s reminiscent of her mom (Goldie Hawn) without the giddiness. She’s at her best sparring with Joan Cusack’s smug resentment. As the youngsters, real-life siblings Spencer and Abigail Breslin are engaging, while Hayden Panettiere embodies the angst-filled adolescent. Savvy Hector Elizondo scores as a car dealer while Paris Hilton socializes. On the Granger Movie Gauge of 1 to 10, “Raising Helen” is a sweet, high-spirited 6. It’s a frivolous, glossy, feel-good story that’s mildly amusing.

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