Movie/TV Reviews

Gigli

Susan Granger’s review of “Gigli” (Columbia Pictures)

So exactly how bad is this pretentious, ultra-hyped exploitation of the off-screen romance of Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck? Think Madonna and Sean Penn in “Shanghai Surprise.” Ben Affleck plays the title character, Larry Gigli, a dimwitted thug assigned to kidnap a mentally-challenged youngster (Justin Bartha), the kid brother of a federal prosecutor who’s causing trouble for a New York mobster. Assisting him is Ricki – that’s Jennifer Lopez – who tells him “You’re not my type.” What she means is: she’s a proud, domineering lesbian – until Affleck comes along. (In 1997, he pulled a similar bedding-a-lesbian stunt in “Chasing Amy.”) Written and directed by Martin Brest (“Meet Joe Black”), the dysfunctional narrative includes an abundance of sexual slurs, vulgarity, gratuitous violence and unnecessarily explicit dialogue. J.Lo’s “Gobble, gobble” scene sinks embarrassing comedy to a new low. In cameos, Al Pacino pays his debt to Martin Brest for directing “Scent of a Woman,” and Christopher Walken astutely observes: “You don’t know nuthin’. I can tell just by lookin’ at ya.” There’s been publicity about how the studio airbrushed the poster, making J.Lo’s breasts look bigger and her butt look smaller but – like – who cares? Thirty years ago, movies and TV routinely depicted homosexuals as suicidal or psychopathic. Now, gay-themed stories are gaining a wider audience. So why go back to the hackneyed, insulting, “She says she’s a lesbian but that means she’s never met the right man” concept? On the Granger Movie Gauge of 1 to 10, “Gigli” is an onerous 1. Although Ben Affleck tells us “Gigli” rhymes with “really,” it signifies “silly.” And Lopez herself sums it up with, “It’s turkey time.”

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American Wedding

Movie/TV Reviews / Susan

Susan Granger’s review of “American Wedding” (Universal Pictures)

Is this third helping of the zany, ribald “American Pie” really any better than its predecessors – or does it just seem that way after enduring “Gigli”? Honestly, I’m not quite sure. The story begins as Jim (Jason Biggs) and Michelle (Alyson Hannigan) have graduated from college. Even before the titles, there’s a humiliating sequences as he pops the question in an elegant restaurant – and his clueless dad (Eugene Levy) shows up at a most inopportune moment. After that, plans for the traditional nuptials begin, which reunites Jim’s buddies – genial Kevin (Thomas Ian Nicholas), brainy Finch (Eddie Kaye Thomas) and trouble-making, over-sexed Stifler (Seann William Scott), who is determined to throw a wild bachelor party and bed Michelle’s gorgeous kid sister (January Jones). Stifler’s disco dance-off in a gay bar is one of the highlights. And, of course, there are the inevitable family problems. “As the future protector of my first-born, you have a long way to go,” Michelle’s ultra-conservative father (Fred Willard) warns Jim, who is continually mortified by the irrepressible Stifmeister’s antics. Screenwriter Aaron Herz knows that the original “American Pie” audience has grown up, if not matured, so director Jesse Dylan (Bob’s son) keeps the pace fast and funny, taking full advantage of the crude, raunchy moments. Accidentally decorating the wedding cake with pubic shavings is bad enough but Stifler’s eating a doggy-doo truffle is over-the-top disgusting. On the Granger Movie Gauge of 1 to 10, “American Wedding” is a crude, gross-out 5. We’re told that this is the series finale. “All the characters have gone from A-to-B,” says Herz, its creator. “There is no more journey for them to take.” No “American Baby”? “American Divorce”?

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Red Water

Movie/TV Reviews / Susan

Susan Granger’s review of “Red Water” (TBS Superstation – premiere on Sat., Aug. 17)

“Jaws” told the tale of a great white shark terrorizing a New England shore community. In this thriller, it’s a bull shark that’s ventured into a murky river in the Bayous of Louisiana. Lou Diamond Phillips (“Wolf Lake”) plays a disillusioned oil driller-turned-fisherman, who’s recruited by his ex-wife, Kristy Swanson (“Buffy the Vampire Slayer”), to help search for natural gas in a wildlife refuge. Problem is: as they realize that their oil rig may explode, they’re hijacked by a trio of drug dealers (rapper Coolio, Jaimz Woolvett, Langley Kirkwood) who are looking for stolen cash in the same cove – and then there’s a nasty bull shark who’s just hungry for lunch. The bull shark is the only shark known to be able to live and thrive in salt water and fresh water; in fact, bull sharks have been found 1,750 miles up the Mississippi River. Over the years, bull sharks have been responsible for several fatal attacks on humans that were originally blamed on great whites and nurse sharks, both of whom rarely cause human fatalities. The shark used by director Charles Robert Carner is a free-swimming mechanical device controlled by robotics, and the cast did some of their own scuba diving. While screenwriters J.D. Feigelson and Chris Mack set this scare story in Louisiana, the filming actually took place on a private, family-owned site outside of Cape Town in South Africa. On the Granger Made-for-TV Movie Gauge of 1 to 10, “Red Water” is an intense, lurid 5. This monster movie with a message – and some catchy Cajun music by Louis Febre and Dominic Messinger – premieres on TBS Superstation on Sunday, Aug. 17, at 8 p.m. with encores scheduled at varying times on Aug. 20, 21, 23 and 24.

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The Magdalene Sisters

Movie/TV Reviews / Susan

Susan Granger’s review of “The Magdalene Sisters” (Miramax Films)

Why has Scottish writer/director/actor Peter Mullan’s hard-hitting depiction of brutality within Ireland’s Catholic Magdalene convent schools has drawn the ire of the Vatican? Because it vividly depicts the jail-like conditions and psychological violence that some 30,000 young Irish women allegedly suffered in the strict Magdalene Asylums that have now been abolished. Until the mid-1990s, the Sisters of the Magdalene Order operated a very profitable laundry business, utilizing outcast or “wayward” girls as their unpaid labor force. This tale, set in 1964, reveals the grim stories of three of those unfortunates who arrive at the convent on the same day. There’s Margaret (Anne-Marie Duff), who was raped by a drunken cousin during a wedding celebration and is incarcerated as a “sinner.” Rose (Dorothy Duffy) has given birth to an illegitimate child; when a manipulative priest talks her into giving up her son for adoption, her parents send her off in disgrace. And Bernadette (Nora-Jane Noone) is an unruly orphan whose beauty attracts too much attention from the young boys; branded as a temptress, she’s dispatched to be disciplined. Stripped naked to exercise each morning, they’re sadistically bullied and beaten by the nuns, particularly Sister Bridget (Geraldine McEwan). Most pathetic is feeble-minded Crispina (Eileen Walsh) who tries to communicate with her son through a St. Christopher medal. Mullan’s compelling concept came from a TV documentary, “Sex in a Cold Climate.” But in the intensity of his anger, Mullan indicts all of the nuns; if even one nun was misguided, guilty and repentant, the film would be even better. On the Granger Movie Gauge of 1 to 10, “The Magdalene Sisters” is a powerful 9. Certainly, it’s the most controversial film so far this year.

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I Capture the Castle

Movie/TV Reviews / Susan

Susan Granger’s review of “I Capture the Castle” (Samuel Goldwyn Films)

Cassandra (Romola Garai) and Rose (Rose Byrne) Mortmain are hardly fairy-tale princesses but they are imprisoned a decrepit, dilapidated rural castle in Suffolk, England, in this adaptation of the 1948 novel by British writer Dodie Smith, who later went on to write “101 Dalmatians.” The narrated diary of 17 year-old Cassandra reveals the story of her eccentric, impoverished family, back in the 1930s. Her father James (Bill Nighy) is a frustrated, reclusive writer, once a literary phenomenon, who moved into the crumbling castle vowing to “write masterpieces.” His first wife died awhile ago and he is now married to free-spirited Topaz (Tara Fitzgerald). But he’s two years in arrears on rent. That leaves Cassandra, her beautiful, scheming, ambitious older sister Rose, younger brother and unpaid orphan servant in genteel poverty when their wealthy new American landlords, the Cottons, move into nearby Scoatney Hall: an American academic (Henry Thomas of “E.T.”), his fun-loving brother (Marc Blucas) and mother (Sinead Cusack). Screenwriter Heidi Thomas and director Tim Fywell focus the coming-of-age plot around which sister will become romantically involved with which brother. The two actresses are lovely; Romola Garai stars in the upcoming “Havana Nights,” the highly anticipated sequel to “Dirty Dancing,” while Rose Byrne is currently filming the epic “Troy,” opposite Brad Pitt. The two American actors are less impressive, seemingly quite uncomfortable with the Jane Austen-like cadence of the language. On the Granger Movie Gauge of 1 to 10, “I Capture the Castle” is a charming 7, appealing more to teenage girls than boys, and enhanced by the recommendation of “Harry Potter” author J.K. Rowling, who has called “I Capture the Castle” her favorite book.

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Le Divorce

Movie/TV Reviews / Susan

Susan Granger’s review of “Le Divorce” (Fox Searchlight Pictures)

Cultural differences are always amusing. Mark Twain, Edith Wharton, Henry James and Ben Franklin dwelled on them. So no wonder there’s confusion when Isabel (Kate Hudson) arrives in Paris from Santa Barbara, California, to help her pregnant sister Roxy (Naomi Watts) whose philandering French husband Charles-Henri (Melvil Poupaud) has just abandoned her. Amidst “community property” negotiations and the complicated authentication of a valuable painting, Isabel becomes involved with Charles-Henri’s married uncle (Thierry Lhermitte), a charming cad who customarily gives his new mistress a $18,000 Hermes handbag, nicknamed the “Kelly” for Grace Kelly who used to tote one, a gesture noted by another expatriate American (Glenn Close). Inspired by Diane Johnson’s deft novel, writer/director James Ivory and his longtime writing collaborator Ruth Prawer Jhabvala, delve into the American habit of direct, blunt communication as opposed to the French penchant for subtle indirection and amusement with the entanglements of infidelity. “Everything is worse when the French are involved,” observes Stephen Fry as a British art appraiser. But there are too many subplots and too many extraneous characters – both of which dilute this glossy, genteel, if clumsy, comedy of manners. While Sam Waterston and Stockard Channing embody the girls’ provincial parents with Leslie Caron (“An American in Paris”) as the calm, aristocratic Gallic matriarch, Matthew Modine is inexplicably deranged as the distraught, gun-toting American husband of Charles-Henri’s current infatuation. On the Granger Movie Gauge of 1 to 10, “Le Divorce” is a serenely smart, sophisticated 7. Breaking up is hard to do in any language, even if you can afford to pay $900 for a family luncheon.

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Uptown Girls

Movie/TV Reviews / Susan

Susan Granger’s review of “Uptown Girls” (MGM release)

This wannabe female-friendship comedy fails on so many levels that it could serve as a lesson in fluffy, one-dimensional film-making. The story, which was pitched by a studio receptionist (Allison Jacobs), revolves around 22 year-old Molly Gunn (Brittany Murphy), the self-indulgent, orphaned daughter of a wealthy rock ‘n’ roll guitarist When a larcenous accountant absconds with her $100 million inheritance, the irritating and totally incompetent Molly is forced to look for a j-o-b, a loathsome concept to someone whose major exhaustion has come from shopping and partying. She finds employment as a nanny to a nasty, neglected, cynical 8 year-old whose father is in a coma and whose mother (Heather Locklear) is a busy music executive. That’s the set-up: a childlike adult interacting with an adult-like child , both learning lessons about life. Drenched in dull, corny cuteness by writers Julia Dahl, Mo Ogrodnik and Lisa Davidowitz and self-consciously directed by Boaz Yakin, it’s a cotton-candy confection that’s far too superficial, contrived and mannered. Perhaps because of a publicity blitz, sulky Brittany Murphy (“Eight Mile,” “Just Married”) seems distractingly enamored of her own quirky persona, while pixie-faced Dakota Fanning (“I Am Sam”) exudes an unappealingly obnoxious, precocious quality. On the other hand, watching a loser like this makes one muse: wouldn’t it be great if someone thought of teaming Dakota Fanning with Hayley Joel Osment as brother-and-sister in some sort of flaky adventure? Ah, well. On the Granger Movie Gauge of 1 to 10, “Uptown Girls” is a tedious, tiresome 3. The most appealing character is Moo, the pet potbellied pig. “He was going to be my curry dinner one night in Bangkok, but we fell in love,” Molly explains.

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Finding Nemo

Movie/TV Reviews / Susan

Susan Granger’s review of “Finding Nemo” (Disney)

There should be nothing fishy about the success of this underwater adventure. It’s got everything going for it: intriguing anthropomorphic characters, a compelling story and fanciful computer-generated animation. Set in and around Australia’s Great Barrier Reef, it’s the tale of Marlin (voiced by an anxious Albert Brooks), a neurotic, overprotective father clownfish, who is searching for Nemo (Alexander Gould), his son who was ‘taken’ by a deep-sea diving dentist. Marlin and his friendly-but-forgetful regal blue tang fish companion Dory (Ellen DeGeneres) must confront perils ranging from scary whales, pink jellyfish, predatory sharks and surfer-dude turtles to sunken ships, deadly mines and dangerous ocean currents (“the swirling vortex of terror”). Honest, heartfelt emotion ebbs and flows along with humor – both low (the inevitable burp/fart jokes) and high (allusions to Alcoholics Anonymous, Alfred Hitchcock, etc.) – plus fluid vocal contributions from Willem Dafoe, Geoffrey Rush, Allison Janney, Brad Garrett, Barry Humphries, Austin Pendleton and Andrew Stanton (the film’s director). The theme is to trust your child enough to let go and to allow him make his own mistakes – with a subplot involving overcoming physical challenges, since little Nemo has a tiny, underdeveloped fin. With its four features – “Toy Story,” “A Bug’s Life,” “Toy Story 2,” “Monsters, Inc.,” now this – Pixar Animation sets a digital high water mark for eye-candy and is, quite simply, the best in the business today. Thomas Newman’s music and Gary Rydstrom’s sound effects are superb, and there’s no more fitting final credit song than “Beyond the Sea,” sung by Robbie Williams. On the Granger Movie Gauge of 1 to 10, “Finding Nemo” is a fun, bubbly, fantastic 10. Sea it!

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Bruce Almighty

Movie/TV Reviews / Susan

Susan Granger’s review of “Bruce Almighty” (Universal Pictures)

What an appealing concept: an ordinary guy becomes God, blessed with the powers of the Almighty. Bruce Nolan (Jim Carrey) is a shallow, self-centered TV news reporter in Buffalo, New York, who yearns to be Walter Cronkite. But because he’s wacky and amusing, Nolan’s assigned lighter, human-interest stories and passed over for the anchorman position. Yet his life’s pretty darn good. He’s got a devoted, live-in girl-friend (Jennifer Aniston) and a not-quite-house-broken dog. But he’s angry that God has never answered his prayers. In fact, he’s so frustrated and furious that his temper tantrum takes him to an audience with God (Morgan Freeman), who good-naturedly challenges him to do a better job. Predictably, Nolan’s initial reaction to omnipotence is selfish – a new Ferrari, exclusive news scoops, etc. – but, eventually, he gets around to making a mess of mankind’s infinite problems as his divine intervention goes awry. Reminiscent of “Dear God,” “It’s a Wonderful Life,” etc., the whimsical story by Steve Koren, Mark O’Keefe & Steve Oedekerk is sappy and melodramatic. But Jim Carrey’s blessed with such incredible comedic talent and precise comedic timing that he elevates the mediocre material. Morgan Freeman embodies an indulgent, dignified deity with infinite patience and a sharp sense of humor. Director Tom Shadyac (“Liar, Liar”) makes the most of several hilarious scenes, particularly when a rival newsman (Steve Carell) spouts gibberish on-air. And there’s a poignant message when Nolan wails, “How do you make someone love you if you can’t affect free will?” To which the Lord replies, “Welcome to my world, son.” On the Granger Movie Gauge of 1 to 10, “Bruce Almighty” is a simplistic, spiritual 7, promoting the power of faith.

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The Italian Job

Movie/TV Reviews / Susan

Susan Granger’s review of “The Italian Job” (Paramount Pictures)

There’s a high-stakes heist, a deadly double-cross, missing gold, a gaggle of guys and one gal. How many times have you seen this kind of movie? Dozens, perhaps? This lackluster remake of Michael Caine’s jaunty 1969 comic caper is almost a complete waste of time. Mark Wahlberg stars as a criminal mastermind who’s taking over for retiring Donald Sutherland after one last heist, the titular Italian job. Inevitably, there’s a glitch, not in the robbery but in the getaway through the Austrian Alps, as one of the gang gets greedy. But you saw all this in the Coming Attractions and commercials, right? Anyway, when duplicitous Edward Norton gets nasty, grabbing $35 million in gold bullion, a revenge scheme is inevitable. The only spark of originality propels the two chase sequences: the first using speedboats through the twisting canals of Venice and the second involving a trio of pint-sized BMW Mini Coopers – red, white and blue – maneuvering through traffic gridlock in Los Angeles with a sinister black helicopter in dogged pursuit. Its resemblance to a video-game is surely not coincidental. Director F. Gary Gray (“A Man Apart”) and his clichŽ-prone screenwriters (husband-and-wife team: Wayne and Donna Powers) seem merely to be going through the methodical motions. As a result, Edward Norton, Mark Wahlberg and Charlize Theron, who plays Sutherland’s safe-cracking daughter, deliver the most bland, nondescript, uninteresting performances of their respective careers, while Seth Green, Mos Def and Jason Statham score in somewhat comic supporting roles. On the Granger Movie Gauge of 1 to 10, “The Italian Job” is a formulaic, forgettable 4. You’ve seen it all in the trailer, so why bother with this dud?

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