Susan Granger’s review of “Movie 43” (Relativity Media)
The biggest question circulating around Hollywood isn’t about the upcoming Academy Awards. Instead, it’s curiosity about who sadistically blackmailed stars like (in alphabetical order) Halle Berry, Kristen Bell, Kate Bosworth, Gerard Butler, Josh Duhamel, Anna Faris, Richard Gere, Terrence Howard, Hugh Jackman, Greg Kinnear, Justin Long, Seth MacFarlane, Chloe Grace Moretz, Chris Pratt, Dennis Quaid, Liev Schreiber, Emma Stone, Jason Sudekis, Uma Thurman, Naomi Watts and Kate Winslet into appearing in such a contemptible, disgusting travesty? Surely, they cannot have chosen to subject themselves to this kind of scatological humiliation of their own free will.
The ostensible framework revolves around a wannabe filmmaker (Dennis Quaid) pitching ideas to a baffled Hollywood studio executive (Greg Kinnear) who is eventually forced at gunpoint to keep listening to them. Assembled as an anthology of raunchy skits, it’s atrocious – unless you’ve always wanted to see Oscar-nominee Hugh Jackman with huge testicles hanging from his chin, much to the horror of his blind date, played by Oscar-winner Kate Winslet. Oscar-winner Halle Berry, toting huge prosthetic breasts, does a first-date Truth-or-Dare game with British comedian Stephen Merchant. Oscar-nominee Naomi Watts and Liev Schreiber (who are married in real-life) are determined to replicate the social torments of high-school for their home-schooled teenage son, while Anna Faris begs Chris Pratt, as her boyfriend, to poop on her. Gerard Butler becomes a leprechaun, cursing at being captured and tortured by Johnny Knoxville and Seann William Scott, while Jason Sudeikis and Justin Long become a dysfunctional, demented Batman and Robin.
Dozens of writers and directors, primarily Peter Farrelly, are credited with this horrific hodge-podge, profanely punctuated by menstrual blood and fecal waste. To add insult to injury, Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi of TV’s “Jersey Shore” presents an interpretive reading of “Moby Dick.”
On the Granger Movie Gauge of 1 to 10, “Movie 43” is a dismal, witless 1, qualifying as the worst picture I’ve seen in many, many years. Even if you wait for the DVD – and get it free – it’s a waste of time.
